where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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