Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
