You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
COCAINE IS GR8
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
