why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
