Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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