Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
