i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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