You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I want her autograph on my taint
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
