You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
