Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
