Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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