Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I am available for nakedness
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
