He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
