you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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