I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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