I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
