When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The power of my boobs compel you
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
