just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
