you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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