I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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