i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
