your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
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