I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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