got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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