My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
