I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
