Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
