This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
