Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
