I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
