I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
