Plan B is the new Plan A
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
