im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
