my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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