She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
