I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
