i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
