you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's shark week go big or go home
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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