where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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