Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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