11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
