I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
