Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize