so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
