So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
