I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
