I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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