Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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