He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Houston, we have a blender
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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