Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
