If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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