the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
