I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
