I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just gargled with NyQuil
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
