I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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