Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
