Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
