I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
